John Ronald Reuel Tolkien was drowning in doubt. Years had passed, and the story felt impossible to finish. Would anyone care if he succeeded?

The publishers had asked him to write a sequel to “The Hobbit” in 1937. World War 2 was over and he still didn’t have anything to show. The problem wasn’t writer’s block or lack of talent and ideas. The problem was Tolkien and his obsession with perfection. He would get bogged down in details: creating a map for his story or inventing a new language.

If it weren’t for the help from his dear friend CS Lewis, the “Lord of the Rings” would never have been finished. 

(Yes, the writers of Lord of the Rings, and the Chronicles of Narnia were best friends!)

Just as Frodo needed Sam to carry him through the darkest moments, Tolkien needed Lewis. It was Lewis who constantly encouraged Tolkien. Read his manuscripts. Showed eagerness to read more. And pushed him till he delivered.

Lord of the Rings was finally published in 1954. And the fantasy genre has never been the same again.

“I Can’t Carry It For You, But I Can Carry You!” Samwise Gamgee to Frodo Baggins

Tolkien and Lewis met in 1926 at the Merton College faculty meeting. They both argued over how English should be taught. And despite their disagreement on curriculum ideas, their friendship bloomed.

They had deep and long conversations. Tolkien’s ideas on religion converted Lewis from an atheist to a Christian. It inspired him to write The Chronicles of Narnia, where Christian symbology is woven so prominently, that it’s hard to miss.

And Lewis’s constant encouragement pushed Tolkien through the finish line.

Both helped each other elevate their game. 

Deep, meaningful friendships are rare, and they can’t be manufactured with surface-level charm. Books like Dale Carnegie’s “How to win friends and influence people” with tricks like don’t criticize people, and smile – are great at making people like you. But it won’t help build genuine deep friendships. 

Because deep friendship is built when you show the other person they are truly special to you. That you care about them. That they matter.

Showing that you care is expensive.

How you show that someone is truly special to you is by costly signals. You have to be willing to invest your time and you have to be willing to invest emotional energy. 

1. Investing time.

Time is the scarcest resource you have. Because you just have 24 hours of it each day. By spending time with someone, you show you care about them. You prioritize them over others. This simply cannot be faked. 

Tolkien and Lewis met weekly. They had long chat sessions about everything from teaching English, to writing, to mythology, to religion. They read each other’s manuscripts.

They also started “The Inklings” – a roundtable discussion where others could come and read their unpublished manuscripts. 

2. Investing emotions. Showcasing vulnerability.

Eric Barker gives a great definition of vulnerability: sharing things that can be used against you. It’s such an expensive thing to do. When vulnerability is reciprocated, it creates extremely strong bonds. 

Sharing your fears, insecurities, and failures opens the door to true connection. Tolkien and Lewis weren’t just colleagues; they were each other’s confidants.

Tolkien was deeply insecure about his writing. He would confess to Lewis that he feared “The Lord of the Rings” was too ambitious, too strange, too much. 

Lewis, in turn, shared his own struggles – his doubts about faith, the pain of losing his mother at a young age, and his reluctance to let others into his personal life. This mutual openness created a bond of trust that few friendships achieve.

3. Building a community.

Eric Barker, shares a study done in 2020 in his book “Plays well with others”. People who feel like they don’t have strong friendships and don’t feel supported enough, they need to do one thing to fix it. Introduce your friends to one another. Having one off friendships is great. But when you introduce your friends to one another, you start building a community. 

When your friends interact with each other, their bond to you grows as well. Creating your own community is the greatest thing you can do for your well being.

When Tolkien and Lewis started their Inkling roundtable group, they inevitably created synergy for themselves.

Action Summary:

• “A friend may well be reckoned the masterpiece of nature.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson. Invest time creating deeper friendships and your happiness and lifespan will improve.
  
• The secret to deeper friendships isn’t a trick or a shortcut—it’s showing you care. Spend your time. Share your fears. Enable cross connections and build a community.