It was the 12th episode of the TV show Seinfeld. And the first episode where Jerry Seinfeld himself didn’t write the screenplay. Instead, his co-creator Larry David wrote it alone. Everyone involved in making it considered that episode as the turning point of the show.
The character of George Costanza angrily quits his job after he is restricted from using the executive washroom. But he immediately regrets it as his job prospects are not that great. So what can he do?
He shamelessly goes back to his job after the weekend acting like nothing happened. Like he had not quit at all!
The whole bit is really funny. But funnier still is how Larry David came up with the idea.
6 years back, Larry David worked at Saturday Night Live (SNL).
When Larry David worked at Saturday Night Live, none of his writings made it to the show. In over one and a half years, only one thing he had written was actually used on SNL. So after one Saturday, in an act of rage, he quit.
He felt immediate regret. And so, he walked back in on a Monday like nothing had happened. Amazingly, it worked! Larry David finished the season at Saturday Night Live.
This real life awkward situation became the fodder for a great episode. And his ability to be shameless is what has allowed Larry David to succeed!
Because shamelessness allows re-entry.
Shamelessness allows you to retry something you’ve failed at miserably. David has an insane tolerance for shame and will do things others find extremely awkward.
But isn’t that a bad thing? Doing things that are embarrassing? Redoing things that may make one uncomfortable?
Shame vs guilt
Feeling guilty is good. When you do something wrong, your ability to learn from it comes only if you feel the guilt. But feeling shame is not. What’s the difference between guilt and shame?
- Guilt is: I did bad.
- Shame is: I am bad.
Guilt enables you to keep the focus outside on others. Shame turns that focus inwards. And that is what is debilitating. That is what makes you stop in your tracks and not retry. That is what stops you from making amends as well.
This ability to remain outward focused is a characteristic of successful leaders.
Because what you find shameful, most people don’t even pay attention to. We live an outsized life in our own minds. We are the center of our own universe. We are so focused on our own behaviour, that we lose perspective on how others view us.
Thomas Gilovich and his colleagues conducted a landmark experiment at Cornell University. Research participants were asked to wear an embarrassing Barry Manilow t-shirt before they entered a room of 5-7 other non participating students.
The participants were asked how many people would have paid attention to the shirt they were wearing? Most of them answered over 50%. But when researchers asked the crowd if they had noticed the embarrassing tshirt, only 23% had!
We always feel more people pay attention to us and our mishaps than they do. So it helps if we find tools to fight shame.
Affect labeling helps fight shame.
Just label your emotions. I feel shame because. This seems very simple but it works. Because when you label your emotions, your prefrontal cortex connects with your amygdala and dampens it. Which reduces the intensity and the impact of the emotion you are feeling.
Shamelessness is a muscle. You can build up your shame tolerance levels by consciously going out of your way to do the thing despite “what others may think” about you.
Larry David was known as a social assassin. Because he had no social awkwardness. He would always do what he thought needed to be done, without caring what others may think.
After Seinfeld, he went on to create Curb Your Enthusiasm. Where he played the role where he exaggerated this social assassin idea. His show went on to run for 12 seasons, earn 55 Emmy nominations and won two awards!
Action Summary:
- Retain your guilt sensitivity. But lower your shame. Focus outwards on the thing that went wrong. And then do what is needed without thinking what others may say or feel.
- Make a habit of labelling your emotions.