“You sound like a cat in a vacuum cleaner. Dreadful!”
The crowd goes wild as Simon Cowell squashes the dreams of a participant in the talent show. When Reality TV was becoming popular, it was Simon Cowell who pitched a talent competition show.
The X-Factor, American Idol, Britain’s Got Talent all stem from his brain. But Cowell got popular not as a producer of these shows, but as a judge on them.
His rude and brutal takedowns made very good TV. His one line zingers added drama. Built up tension. People remain glued to the show.
When Cowell quit American Idol after 8 years, its ratings tanked. People wanted Cowell and his acid tongue.
Mr Nasty
- “You sounded like Dolly Parton on helium.”
- “It was a bit like ordering a hamburger and only getting the bun.”
- “That was extraordinary. Unfortunately, extraordinarily bad.”
Cowell came up with some amazing put downs. So much so that the press started calling him Mr Nasty. But you know what? It was all an act.
Very early on, Cowell hired publicist Max Clifford. Who helped him create the mean persona. Trained him on being grumpy. Cowell would often write down a few zingers before he went on the show. He perfected his mean image. It made for great TV.
But beyond that, he realized: truth can be mean. Sometimes it’s cruel to be kind. There is no point in being diplomatic and sandwiching criticism. What’s really cruel is building hope when the contestant has no chance in hell of becoming popular.
And so, even though it was mentally tiring and Cowell hated being mean, he persisted with being Mr Nasty.
“The Risk of Insult is the Price of Clarity.” – Roy H. Williams
You know the funny thing? When people are asked who is a better judge on the show, they would name Simon Cowell. He was perceived to be a better judge than other musician judges like Paula Abdul.
Teresa Amabile, a professor at Harvard Business School – conducted a simple experiment. She gave participants a bunch of book reviews to read. And she asked them to rate the intelligence of the reviewers.
Overwhelmingly, negative reviewers were seen as being more intelligent and having more expertise on the subject matter than positive reviewers!
Every contestant wanted to impress Simon Cowell, not the other judges! Being critical is a signal of competence.
How to learn the art of insults
Simon Cowell mastered the mean persona. He learnt how to telegram his thoughts with clarity. Can you achieve the same?
To deliver sharp, cutting insults that cut through the clutter and noise, you’ll need to cultivate a set of specific skills. You’ve got to study the masters. The comedians and the roasters. And you’ve got to build up 3 skills:
- Speed of thought
- The structure of insults
- Word usage
1. How Robin Williams became quick witted
Robin Williams is known for his rapid fire, stream of conscious comedy. But he was not always the quick witted comedian. He trained his brains to make quick connections. He studied improv. He would take a word or an idea, and see how many connections he could make in a short time.
His training at Juilliard helped him tremendously. There are 2 improv setups you can use to become a quick thinker that can connect random dots as well.
i. The one word story: where you sit in a group that has to tell a story. But each person says just one word at a time before the next person continues the story.
ii. The alphabet game: where you have a conversation with others. The first person’s sentence begins with a word starting with A, the second with a B, and so on.
2. George Carlin teaches us structure
George Carlin started out as a conventional comedian. But he honed his skills over decades to make his comedy more sharp and biting. He focused a lot on structure. And learnt the art of exaggerated metaphors.
What does that mean? You take an observation and then amplify it. But you do it with metaphors. You take your topic, connect it to an unrelated object, by finding a shared quality.
Developing a mental library of structures helps you deliver insults swiftly. Almost all of Cowell’s insults followed one of 3 structures:
- Comparisons: “You’re like a karaoke bar singer who doesn’t realize the night is over.”
- Exaggerated sarcasm: “That was possibly the worst version of that song I’ve ever heard. I’d rather eat my own hand.”
- Reverse compliments: “You have a unique voice… I hope it stays that way, and we never have to hear it again.”
3. Ernest Hemingway teaches us word usage
If you read Hemingway’s early writing, you’ll find it verbose and detailed. But then he became a journalist at Kansas City Star. And the paper’s style guide required short punchy sentences.
So Hemingway meticulously edited his work. Cut down sentences to bare minimum. Stripped away every unnecessary word. This economy of words is what made his writing powerful.
Editing is not enough however. To become a master of using fewer words, you have to sharpen your vocabulary.
These above 3 skills would help you become as sharp and incisive as Simon Cowell.
Should everyone cultivate a mean persona?
The German Zoo approached Cowell’s publicist Max Clifford once. The zoo had got a cute Polar Bear cub known as Knut who had helped the zoo rake in $3.5 million extra in its first year. 5000 fans had shown up to celebrate the cubs first birthday!
But then, the caretaker of the cub suddenly passed away. And that changed Knut. He became rowdier by the day. And the whole image changed when he killed a carp in his enclosure.
So the Zoo approached Clifford – if he could help them with PR with a mean bear. But Clifford refused. “Every bear is a bad bear so he wouldn’t stand out. He would be the same as everyone else.”
If every judge on TV shows were as sharp and blunt as Cowell, his persona would not have worked at all. It only worked because it differentiated him. Made him stand out.
Action Summary:
- The art of insults has three building blocks: quick speed of thought, structure of metaphors, and using the right words. These same building blocks help us amplify clear communication. Learn from the master comedians and writers. And use their skills to make your communication piercingly clear.